Losing a Spouse: How Do We Handle It?
Losing a spouse is one of the hardest experiences a person can face. It is not simply the loss of someone you loved. It is the loss of a companion, a familiar voice in the next room, someone who shared your history, your routines, your plans and all the little things that made up an ordinary day.
And perhaps the hardest part is that the world does not stop when your world has changed.
The mail still comes. The telephone still rings. People go to work, children go to school, stores remain open and the seasons continue to change. Everyone else seems to be moving forward while you may feel as though something essential has suddenly been taken away.
There is no single correct way to handle the loss of a spouse. Some people cry constantly. Others hardly cry at all. Some want to talk about the person they lost, while others cannot bear to hear the name. Some find comfort in being surrounded by family and friends. Others need considerable time alone. None of these responses means that one person is grieving correctly and another is not.
The First Days Can Feel Unreal
Immediately after a spouse dies, many people experience a strange sense of unreality. There may be sadness, shock, anger, confusion or even moments when you simply cannot believe what has happened. You may find yourself expecting your spouse to walk through the door or reach for the telephone. You may instinctively turn to tell them something before remembering that they are gone.
Those moments can be painful, but they are understandable. For years, perhaps decades, your mind has been accustomed to including another person in almost every part of your life. It takes time for the mind to adjust to what has happened.
During those first days and weeks, there is no need to figure out the rest of your life. Eat something when you can. Sleep when you can. Take care of what must be done. Accept help when it is offered. Get through today. Tomorrow can wait.
The Empty House Can Be the Hardest Part
Grief often becomes particularly difficult after the funeral and the visits from family have ended.
During the first days, there may be people around you constantly. Then, suddenly, the house becomes quiet. That is when the absence can become overwhelming.
The empty chair. The untouched side of the bed. Two coffee cups becoming one. A favorite television program that no longer has someone sitting beside you. A grocery store where you automatically reach for something your spouse liked. These ordinary things can bring the strongest memories.
There is no requirement to immediately remove every reminder of your spouse. Some people find comfort in photographs, clothing and familiar possessions. Others need to put certain things away for a while.
There is no timetable.
You are not required to decide what to keep, what to give away or what to change immediately. Those decisions can wait until you are ready.
Grieve in Your Own Way
One of the worst things we can do after losing a spouse is compare our grief with someone else’s.
There is no schedule that says you should feel better after three months, six months or a year.
Grief does not move in a straight line.
You may have a relatively good day and then be unexpectedly devastated the next morning. A song, photograph or familiar smell can bring everything back. That does not mean you are going backward.
It means you loved someone who mattered.
Eventually, the pain may become less constant. That does not mean you are forgetting your spouse. It means that your life is slowly learning how to contain both the loss and the memories.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Memories
There may come a point when you are afraid that remembering will hurt too much. But memories are one of the things that remain when a person is gone. Talk about your spouse. Tell the stories. Remember the funny things, the arguments, the vacations, the mistakes, the ordinary evenings and the moments that nobody else would understand.
A long marriage is made up of thousands of small moments. Those moments do not disappear simply because one person is no longer physically present. In time, some memories that once caused tears may bring a smile instead.
Learn to Do Things Differently
Another difficult part of losing a spouse is discovering how many things you did together without thinking about them. Perhaps one person handled the finances while the other handled appointments. One cooked while the other did the shopping. One drove while the other navigated. Decisions that once took two people now have to be made by one.
Learning these things can be frustrating and exhausting. Give yourself permission to learn slowly.
You do not have to become the person your spouse was. You only have to learn what you need to know to continue living your own life.
And continuing to live is not a betrayal.
Let People Help
Friends and family often want to help but don’t know what to do. Sometimes the grieving person doesn’t know what to ask for. Be specific. Ask someone to have lunch with you. Ask someone to help with paperwork. Ask a friend to go grocery shopping with you. Sometimes you don’t need advice at all. You simply need someone willing to sit beside you.
If grief becomes impossible to carry alone, talking with a grief counselor, clergy member or support group can also be worthwhile. Asking for help does not mean you are weak. It means you recognize that this is a tremendous burden.
Eventually, Life Becomes Different
There is a difficult truth about losing a spouse: life will eventually become different. That does not necessarily mean better or worse. It means different. You may develop new routines. You may discover interests you never had before. You may spend more time with family or old friends. You may travel, work, volunteer, write or simply learn to enjoy a quiet morning in a way you never did before.
And you may also have days when you wish none of this had happened.
Both things can be true. You can miss your spouse terribly and still laugh again. You can love someone who is gone and still find something worthwhile in the years you have left. You can carry the past with you without being required to live entirely in it. Perhaps that is what handling grief really means. It does not mean getting over the person you lost.
It means learning how to carry the love forward. A spouse who shared twenty, forty, fifty or more years of your life cannot simply become a chapter that you close and forget. That person helped shape who you became. Their influence remains in your memories, your habits, your stories and the people whose lives you shared.
The goal is not to stop loving them. The goal is to discover, slowly and in your own time, how to live with the love and the loss together.
Some days will be harder than others. But eventually there may be a morning when you wake up and the first thought is not the loss. There may be a moment when you laugh at an old memory instead of crying. There may be an evening when the quiet house feels a little less frightening.
Those moments do not erase your spouse. They are simply evidence that, somehow, you are learning to live again. And perhaps that is the best any of us can do.
