The Lost Art of Dating Your Spouse
There was a time when getting ready for a date with your spouse was something you actually looked forward to.
You chose what to wear. You made an effort with your hair. You might even have wondered where the evening would lead.
Then life happened.
Bills arrived. Work became demanding. Children needed attention. There were groceries to buy, dishes to wash, appointments to keep and a hundred little responsibilities that seemed more important than going out for dinner together.
Somewhere along the way, the person you once dressed up to impress became the person you asked, “What’s for dinner?”
That doesn’t necessarily mean the romance disappeared. It may simply mean that the two of you stopped making room for it.
When Dating Becomes Routine
One of the strange things about a long relationship is how quickly extraordinary becomes ordinary.
At first, seeing your partner can make your entire day better. You notice what they’re wearing. You remember the little things they said. You look forward to hearing their voice.
Years later, you may know exactly what they are going to order at a restaurant.
Comfort is wonderful. But too much comfort can quietly turn a relationship into a routine.
The problem isn’t that you know your spouse well. The problem is assuming you know everything about them.
People change.
Their interests change. Their tastes change. Their dreams change. Sometimes their idea of a good evening changes without their partner noticing.
Dating your spouse gives you an opportunity to discover those changes.
You Don’t Need an Expensive Evening
Dating doesn’t have to mean an expensive restaurant, a weekend at a resort or a carefully planned romantic getaway.
It can be as simple as deciding that Friday night isn’t going to be another night sitting in front of the television.
Go somewhere you’ve never been.
Try a restaurant neither of you has visited. Take a drive with no particular destination. Get ice cream after dinner. Sit somewhere and watch people walk by.
The point isn’t what you spend.
The point is that you are doing something together on purpose.
There is a difference between spending an evening in the same house and actually spending an evening with each other.
Dress for the Occasion
This may sound old-fashioned, but there is something to it.
When you were dating, you probably didn’t show up looking exactly as you did while taking out the trash or mowing the lawn.
You made an effort because the other person mattered.
That doesn’t mean putting on a tuxedo or an evening gown to go to the local diner. It simply means occasionally making the effort to remind your spouse—and yourself—that this isn’t just another Tuesday night.
Sometimes attraction needs a little help from anticipation.
When your spouse walks into the room and looks unexpectedly good, notice it.
Better yet, tell them.
A genuine compliment from someone you’ve been married to for years can mean more than one from a stranger.
Remember How to Flirt
Flirting tends to disappear from long relationships.
That is a shame.
A little teasing, a lingering look, a compliment whispered when nobody else is listening—none of these require money or planning.
And flirting doesn’t have to lead anywhere.
That’s part of what makes it fun.
A husband can still make his wife blush. A wife can still give her husband that look that tells him she hasn’t forgotten the man she married.
You don’t have to behave like teenagers.
You just have to remember that you are still a man and a woman who chose each other.
Talk About Something Other Than Life’s Problems
Couples can spend an entire evening discussing household expenses, relatives, repairs and tomorrow’s schedule.
Those things matter.
But they aren’t necessarily conversation.
Ask your spouse something you haven’t asked in a long time.
What would you do if you could take a month off?
Where would you go?
What have you always wanted to try?
What makes you happy these days?
And don’t immediately turn the answer into a practical discussion.
Sometimes people simply want to be heard.
You might discover that the person sitting across the table has a few new ideas you’ve never heard before.
Bring Back the Surprise
Predictability is comfortable, but surprise keeps people curious.
You don’t have to plan something elaborate. Leave a note. Suggest a spontaneous lunch. Bring home something your spouse enjoys for no particular reason.
Tell them you’re taking them somewhere and don’t reveal where until you get there.
The surprise isn’t really about the destination.
It’s about communicating something very simple:
I was thinking about you.
That may be one of the most romantic messages a person can receive.
And What About Romance?
Romance doesn’t have to disappear simply because you’ve been together for a long time.
In fact, long-term relationships have one advantage that new romances don’t: history.
You have memories together.
You know the songs. You remember the places. You remember the first apartment, the first vacation, the first time you realized this person might be more than just another date.
Those memories can be surprisingly powerful.
Revisit an old restaurant. Play music from the years when you first met. Look through photographs. Tell your spouse what you remember about the first time you saw them.
Then make a new memory.
That is the secret to keeping a long relationship from becoming nothing more than a collection of old memories.
Maybe the Date Isn’t Lost After All
The lost art of dating your spouse isn’t really lost.
It is simply neglected.
Marriage doesn’t automatically preserve romance. Neither does time. A relationship needs attention just as a garden does.
The good news is that you don’t have to start over.
Your spouse is already there.
You already know their laugh. You know the stories. You know the annoying habits and the wonderful ones. You know the person underneath the clothes, the makeup, the responsibilities and the years.
But there may still be things you don’t know.
So ask.
Make a date.
Put on something you haven’t worn in a while. Turn off the television. Leave the phones alone for an hour. Go somewhere together and pretend, just for an evening, that you’re still trying to impress each other.
You may discover something surprising.
After all these years, you might still have a date worth going on.
